simple truths and contradictions

it’s especially appropriate that these thoughts coalesce one week before protestant easter. give me a level and fulcrum and i can move my world.

it would seem, that upon reflection, i was not bi-polar by birth but by design. the first italian phrase i remember is “angota, shimeo” (and i don’t know the correct spelling). it loosely means “you want more, come on.” my gran (grandmother walker) would say “don’t contradict me” meaning to invite me to explain but don’t expect her to nuture any disagreement.

what can _anyone_ do when they are constantly met with a challenge to explain themselves, yet not controvert what is established by the other person as facts ? the survival response is to step aside. and the other person encourages that … “angota, shimeo.”

seeing two truths simutaneously is literally enough to drive me mad. a camera can’t resolve it, it can only focus on on focal plane at one time, it has to refocus each time it changes subjects. to see both subjects together on the same plane they either have to be together or the perspective of the camera has to shift. and how can the camera take a picture from the point of view of one subject seeing another subject and then change to view both ? will it be bi-partisan or non-partisan ? who watches the watchers who watchers the watchers ? (terry pratchett, thud! discworld)

they won’t tell you what they want in trade for their nurture or how to nurture yourself. and of course nurturing yourself can be either solipistic our narcisistic without a healthy role model. so the only other alternative is to bow into the pressure exerted by the challenger and try not to let the slipstream beat you down.

that pressure from the slipstream becomes a tangible force. it becomes an act of will to stand upright and move against it. but only exerting against it, resisting it, puts it into perspective. be ware the fatigue.

one inherit dangers of the medications is the chinese water torture of the tremors. it becomes too easy to forget, so i make extensive notes. unfortunately it’s misinterpreted as obsession over detail.

these early invitations to continually ‘act out’ instead of fostering creative growth and channeling healthy implementation have led to a physically reinforced system of serotonin imbalance. in my opinion.

so, how can i ever present that in a convincing way to my caregivers ? even i have trouble testing myself to make sure that my will to sanity is active and that i am worth pursuing much less convincing others that i do have something of worth to offer them.

so i went back to one thing i try to do better than anything else, take pictures and write. this is for cat and amy.

i have tremors audible tremors slight tinkling bells bass drums and grass soft and damp at my feet moist green leaves yellow dewdrops crystal air on wing nature doesn’t need it desires lounging a direct route past the flowers by the boxwood to the millstone where we sit