brain chemistry is a funny system. it’s electro-organic. you measure brainwaves and magnectic imagery.you adjust with food and energy (light and sound). ironically you can observe severity by levels of ataxia.

through a period of years where i was undiagnosed. there were plenty of messages dating back from childhood. migraine headaches, severe depression, emotional trauma, suicidal thoughts, unexplained gastric disturbances. even the psychiatrists saw something was wrong, especially after intelligence testing, but no one paid any further attention. I had done well in school and was non-violent though eccentric, so they left well enough alone.

then after severe breaks when no one wanted to believe something was wrong, i was sent to a neurologist for severe headaches. he prescribed various pain killers to no effect as well as mood stabilizers. Another psychologist tried a clinical approach but failed to see the core symptoms. All the while i was in agony from the headaches and taking all sorts of pain pills with dental procedures. The next psychiatrist moved me to an anti-psychotic and i ended up wrecking 5 times and got my drivers license revoked.

During this time I had lost my best job due to it going bankrupt. My next was better, but the management was plotted until an overthrow, unfortunately led by someone more unstable than the last monarch. I went manic and tried to fight my way through the system alleging that they were firing me because i was unstable. Of course they won.

I ended up separated and living back at home with my parents. I saw my father die in front of me. I had an 83 year old mother for a responsibility and it was time to take back my life.

From early childhood I had few friends. I bonded tightly and loyally, maybe smotheringly. But most of my time was spent left alone to take care of myself. I was usually left to my own devices.

So I took myself off huge amount of medications and even had others added or adjusted. It left my psyche very raw and plunged me face to face with realities I never wanted to know again. From about 8th or 9th grade on I had just turned inward, shutting out everything else. I had great potentials for understanding and insight, but weak skills for explaining and reasoning. I unfortunately suppressed that insight all the while people clamoring for explanations I couldn’t give.

So I protected myself the best way I knew how, I escaped into reality and signed myseelf in somewhere while they could watch as my meds adjusted. I’ll never do that here again, let me tell you. I’m still fighting over my right to my medical records. There were days then that i felt the ways i was supposed to feel from the different scripts of my life. i could really see why my family acted the way they did. but now back on a stable range of medicine, those feelings don’t come anymore. I wash the doctor had really listened and gotten my reality therapy then. i could probably be a more responsible mature adult now.

as it stands i still have an 83 year old mother to watch after, a separation agreement that i don’t feel is valid, huge holes in my memory, a cyst in my left temporal lobe, a cyst around the pituitary gland, and some minor inconvieniences. Like do I still have any friends left.

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