I’ve got some real hard choices ahead of me and i’ve prayed hard over them. yeah, i know, bringing in divine order is one sign of delusion, but what the hey.

as a side note it’s a pity the greek orthodox church won’t take me up on my offer to reconsecrate my father’s chapel for an outdoor retreat. i miss communion and have no way to go 60+ miles or a priest close by who understands how to handle acute mental dysorder.

everyone has to have principles, else they are forever lost to unformed sensory phenomena. betcha didn’t realize you actually see backwards and upside down now did you ? the brain procesess it back into order.

anyway, my point is that everyone has potential, you exist. you can’t “know” or “control” until you are in the process of “acting”. and hopefully you beg forgiveness on what you are about to do even though you have no idea if you are right or wrong.

all luck is is being within the bell curve of acceptible actions. lovable is being able to make your actions within limits that acquire affection. disordered is being unable to apply proportionate control over actions. wisdom is being able to apply decisions to paradoxical issues with insight beyond luck.

The Bible has two instances of death to be used as tests. First was Soloman who was going to split a baby. Second was Abraham who was going to sacrafice Issac. I’ve prayed for their wisdom and faith.

I was married for 26 years. I was moved out of the house after a long struggle with depression, job problems, migraines aggravated by an ethmoid cyst and placed on heavy duty pain and psych meds. My drivers license was revoked after some car and motorcycle crashes. My divorce was final in Jan 2004.

It started turning around as my meds were withdrawn and adjusted. repressed memories came flooding back, too much to bear. i went through the cosmic perspective vortex and i was alone. whole years of my memory were gone. doctors and nurses just tried to pigeonhole me back into the system. instead of fixing things for me they attempted to fix me. i do remember a few good ones though who heard and understood what was going on, at least intuitively. the rest, well… i was made responsible for things i shouldn’t have and denied things i should have had. i was released too early for the meds to be stable, but they were at the wrong dose. there were tests suggesting an asymptomatic change in the left frontal lobe, but no follow up apointment to explain what it means. and i still have doctors, hospitals and insurance companies who can’t or won’t produce my medical records.

and that’s the crux. coming back down on this side of reality, outside the fantasy world i look to the lawyers who had taken so much of my money while letting me get into this fix, but they can’t or won’t do anything. I’m left with little assets, a bad divorce, a daughter who i disgust and an 83 year old mother to look after.

and i’m better off than most. but i still have a long hard fight ahead. to regain friends and trust. this blog alone is enough to scare most people away. next is to decide if it was just safer to go back to being servile, immature, irresponsible and alone. Or do I, like Soloman and Abraham, get ready to end something in order to cure it ? (no that is neither homocidal or suicidal).

By that I mean my daughter used to lovingly sign her cards “munchkin”. Now she calls me “Senior Butthead” if she calls at all. But I plan on keeping as close a watch on her as Eric Camden does. As far as my ex, she was there for me until she grew tired of it. I expected a tighter bonding. Hey, I grew up in an Italian background. So I want to either make the separation agreement stick or throw it out and start all over again.

my therapist says i have few friends. she’s right. few people have my interests. but i do generally get along with people, in a george carlin sense. i’m not paranoid, just practical. who else would you go up to and say it takes 2.7 martians to screw in a light bulb ? it takes a really special person to appreciate those things without thinking you’re nuts.

when someone says that what i said is because of my “sickness” do you think i’d want to talk with them anymore ?

so if you know a good pro-bono family law lawyer, let me know!