i’s been a while hasn’y iy. well boys and girls
“not to be insulting, but …
you’re poor, you have no job, no house, working with neurological problem, renting a room from your mother, divorced and estranged from your kid, look like you’d be easily intimidated, don’t drive …”
but I have dreams
ombudsman, lassie, or sheepdog for the church
sorry to be gone so long, but i’ve had to take time to unclutter the attic as it were. a good three mile walk yesterday helped. that and making two three page checklists…
see, as a species we have those create rules and those who apply them, and those who are unique to the rules. i use the church as an example because i’ve studied it the longest and deepest.
you have a patriarch of a “tribe” who sits in council, then the metropolitan who deal with cultural sub-entities, a bishop who deals with localities of the subentities, some ethnic entities predominate within a geographic region. Then there are the priests for each parish who try to deal with a homogenous ethnic class.
in the parish are deacon(ess), cantors, ushers, sunday school teachers, board chairmen, etc.
unique parishioners with special dispensation are the monks and nuns, who in turn setup their own ‘mini’ parish.
so while within each parish are sub functions, and the priest who delegated the sub functionaries their is truly no one besides the priest who knows the full working of the rules. and just like any good shepard, he need a good sheepdog. someone who can get all the cliques working together.
There is always a fulcrum and balance point to any equation. i think the church has been without its long enough.
How does love ever get to be so blind ?
Capn®’s Creations is underway at last. There’s some tidying up to do, some officers to add , but it looks promising IF we can get people interested in this new phenomena called “JLOGGING”
one day they’re going to have a blogger editor, you can pick which blogger you’re going to write to and viola, you customize the space, set the atmosphere and specialize your text. Schizophenia gone high tech.
I wonder what they’ll call MySpace ? Or LiveOffice, or GeoCities, or MSNSpace, or blogstream (my favorite) or Yahoo!360 or BellSouth Home ? Plus there more …
So many rectangles waiting for us to fill with pictures, videos, sounds and words. But we only get a thin taste of the life, and only touch a mouse or keyboard. Ah, there’s no scents! In the computer world, there’s non-sense.
Yeah, that stretches the analogy a bit far, but for a simalcrum, it finally reveals it’s own weakness.
Too often is there the random fluid dynamics that Einstein proclaimed that God would never use to play dice with the universe. But society only proves that “normality” is only captured in statistics.
I was really listening to “Gypsy” with Stevie Nicks, one of the first when I was dating my ex. I should have paid more attention. Stevie sings for herself, she sings for my ex. If I could ever figure out what the song means, because Stevie is only singing for the female, then I can truly approach a real woman. Opposites are not attractive!
I wish Sidney Freedman was here. He’d know what to do. And if you don’t know Sidney, well, you’re a few steps behind already. But he put his finger on it with his classic line of pulling down your pants and sliding on the ice. See it’s my theory that our sixth sense is 360 degree balance and anytime we can’t expose ourself to maintaining that balance we are truly at risk.
People are sooo off center here. Te way you can tell is the explanations. Explanations don’t mean anything, reality does. Understanding why does. So anytime it isn’t real, well, it’s not worth your time, move on.
I vote for a new tool for our home page. It should count the messages you’ve sent, if they’ve been read and if they’ve been replied to. Same for friend requests, if they’ve been opened, denied or rejected. A good counter on the blogs wouldn’t hurt either. Call it a responsibility meter. It would make sure we got proper attribution.
“Good night Gracie”
if there’s one thing i’ve missed it’s unconditional love. yeah, evryone talks about and around it, but very few actually understand how dependandant we are on it for our health.
our bodies are small eco-systems living on tolerances, tolerances of operation. of metabolic intake, exertion, impression expression creativity and nurturing,
not only must we maintain our own tolerances, but we must actively seek to telerate others, usually one particular other, a soulmate.
just as any fish caught seeks to thrash loose the hook, so we fight against the world, jumping in and out of the waters of reality as the line grows shorter and the tension higher. until at some point we’re brought onboard, too weary from the struggle to do more than gasp.
Who was the fisherman that tested our natural instincts ? How will they handle us ? Who was the farmer that planted us at the mercy of the skies ?
Folks it’s all nice and happy to believe you are in charge of yourselves, but don’t be so foolish to think you can ever be more than who you are. That is unless you remember that someone else you bond with that helps you grow.
it’s truly scary how far medicine has advanced. taking 50mg less of one drug can take away confidence and make you meek and subtle. 50mg
you have to remember that a mirror is glass and silver, not the reflection; you must remember that there’s glass in a window.
yesterday i have met one of the most compassionate people i could ever hope to meet and ten more that truly thought i wasn’t worth talking to and two who were tenderly honest and one who was openly antagonistic.
look at 50mg of a drug and say if it’s propensity, choice or under the influence.
it really only boils down to survival.
I’ve got some real hard choices ahead of me and i’ve prayed hard over them. yeah, i know, bringing in divine order is one sign of delusion, but what the hey.
as a side note it’s a pity the greek orthodox church won’t take me up on my offer to reconsecrate my father’s chapel for an outdoor retreat. i miss communion and have no way to go 60+ miles or a priest close by who understands how to handle acute mental dysorder.
everyone has to have principles, else they are forever lost to unformed sensory phenomena. betcha didn’t realize you actually see backwards and upside down now did you ? the brain procesess it back into order.
anyway, my point is that everyone has potential, you exist. you can’t “know” or “control” until you are in the process of “acting”. and hopefully you beg forgiveness on what you are about to do even though you have no idea if you are right or wrong.
all luck is is being within the bell curve of acceptible actions. lovable is being able to make your actions within limits that acquire affection. disordered is being unable to apply proportionate control over actions. wisdom is being able to apply decisions to paradoxical issues with insight beyond luck.
The Bible has two instances of death to be used as tests. First was Soloman who was going to split a baby. Second was Abraham who was going to sacrafice Issac. I’ve prayed for their wisdom and faith.
I was married for 26 years. I was moved out of the house after a long struggle with depression, job problems, migraines aggravated by an ethmoid cyst and placed on heavy duty pain and psych meds. My drivers license was revoked after some car and motorcycle crashes. My divorce was final in Jan 2004.
It started turning around as my meds were withdrawn and adjusted. repressed memories came flooding back, too much to bear. i went through the cosmic perspective vortex and i was alone. whole years of my memory were gone. doctors and nurses just tried to pigeonhole me back into the system. instead of fixing things for me they attempted to fix me. i do remember a few good ones though who heard and understood what was going on, at least intuitively. the rest, well… i was made responsible for things i shouldn’t have and denied things i should have had. i was released too early for the meds to be stable, but they were at the wrong dose. there were tests suggesting an asymptomatic change in the left frontal lobe, but no follow up apointment to explain what it means. and i still have doctors, hospitals and insurance companies who can’t or won’t produce my medical records.
and that’s the crux. coming back down on this side of reality, outside the fantasy world i look to the lawyers who had taken so much of my money while letting me get into this fix, but they can’t or won’t do anything. I’m left with little assets, a bad divorce, a daughter who i disgust and an 83 year old mother to look after.
and i’m better off than most. but i still have a long hard fight ahead. to regain friends and trust. this blog alone is enough to scare most people away. next is to decide if it was just safer to go back to being servile, immature, irresponsible and alone. Or do I, like Soloman and Abraham, get ready to end something in order to cure it ? (no that is neither homocidal or suicidal).
By that I mean my daughter used to lovingly sign her cards “munchkin”. Now she calls me “Senior Butthead” if she calls at all. But I plan on keeping as close a watch on her as Eric Camden does. As far as my ex, she was there for me until she grew tired of it. I expected a tighter bonding. Hey, I grew up in an Italian background. So I want to either make the separation agreement stick or throw it out and start all over again.
my therapist says i have few friends. she’s right. few people have my interests. but i do generally get along with people, in a george carlin sense. i’m not paranoid, just practical. who else would you go up to and say it takes 2.7 martians to screw in a light bulb ? it takes a really special person to appreciate those things without thinking you’re nuts.
when someone says that what i said is because of my “sickness” do you think i’d want to talk with them anymore ?
so if you know a good pro-bono family law lawyer, let me know!
capn666 